It has been two years since my daughter died. Two years and yet I have survived, how I don’t know only through God’s grace.
Yet I’m not sure I should have survived. I lost my daughter why when my heart is broken so ragged and torn do I awake each morning. Why haven’t I fell into the pit of despair? Does she question my love for her? I pray not. I love my daughter with every breath that I take; I too am surprised I continue to live.
Two years, 730 days, minutes, hours, seconds. Does the date really matter, I feel like time stopped when my heart broke.
Livvy 16 months
Livvy died two years ago today 7th November 2008 is imprinted in my mind my heart. An anniversary yet it is far from a celebration. To be honest I can’t comprehend how long has passed. It still feels like it was only yesterday. I find it hard to understand how the world just carries on as if nothing has happened.
So much has happened since that day, as a family we have faced so much. We have survived but with scars that will last us a lifetime.
I have changed more than I believed was ever possible, I have found strength I didn’t know existed.
I have memories that at times bring me joy and other times bring me pain. Yet I am so grateful for those times, those special memories we created.
8th birthday
It’s so strange when we meet new people and they ask the question “how many children do you have?” Four beautiful girls their eyes glance at the girls and the confusion crosses their faces.
How do I explain that Livvy is with Jesus, it doesn’t get easier with time, in fact it’s become harder. The shock wears off, the numbness disappears and you are left with the cold hard agony of reality.
I asked Alan “why we carry on?” it’s simple, for Kennedy, Eden and Brodie and for Livvy. Livvy never gave up, she took life and lived it, ever second was a second to be embraced to the full.
My faith has given me strength when I have felt the desire to just give up God talks softly to me, in the quietness of my broken heart. He whispers the words I need to hear, “she is with me, in my arms, and I’m holding her until you can”.
Ecclesiastes 12.7
“And the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it”
On Livvy’s gravestone we have the words “May your spirit fly free” in fact the words are now on Granddad’s arm with her name. We know without a doubt that Livvy is free, in our Lord Jesus’ arms. Free from pain, free from disability, free from the evil of Rett syndrome.
I still have a long journey before me, the destination of life. I’m not sure where it will take me but I know I’m not facing it on my own. In my heart I carry my baby with me, her strength, her determination her amazing loving spirit is there inside every vessel of my beating heart.
I hold on tight to my daughter, I close my eyes I can smell her freshly washed hair, I listen closely I can hear her infectious giggle, I am stroking her smooth soft cheek holding her sweet hand in my mine.
My baby in my arms, where i wish she could be
Yes it’s been two years but I’m holding on to the promise of eternity.
John 3.15
“That everyone who believes in him may have eternal life”
“Never does a moment pass when I don’t miss you Livvy, until I get to hold you again, I love you”.xxxx
Eternity
Walking with Angels 
This was an amazing post and one of the hardest “parenting” things I’ve ever read. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it was to get through writing that entire post. Thank you for sharing and for giving us glimpse into Livvy’s life.
praying with you and your family.
*hugs* I honestly don’t know what to say. You’re in my thoughts
Just reading your post takes my breath away at how painful that it must be to lose a child…..I can understand exactly the thoughts going through your mind but I can only imagine the pain and that’s bad enough. Thinking of you and your family.
Holding all of you close in thought and prayer. Hugs
I thank you for Being So open about how you feel this Sunday It didn’t pass me by without a tear. I Still hold her very dear to my heart and I always will do. Her picture hangs on my wall as a simple reminder of how to Cherish the life I have now. When feel down I look to her for Inspiration and a Sense of well being that I know only she will be able to give me.ld like to take this time to say thank you Olivia. Although you maybe gone from this Earth you will always remain in the one’s hearts you touched. you will always be a Special part of me, and forever in flesh or in Soul, you will always remain my most proudest possession. My Goddaughter. Love you always. Uncle Richard. Love you too Sister. xxx
I love you too, little brother. Livvy will always be our inspiration xxx
Have started this comment several times and each time deleted it, theres so much I want to say but havent the right words. I admire your honesty and the love for your baby which shines through each word of this post so that its almost tangible. Your braveness astounds me,our Rett girls are incredibly gorgeous and special (even at 3am *glances over at a certain night owl with a bad bed head!),seriously though I dont know if faced with the same sad situation as you,that I could cope as well…you are truly an inspiration and I am sure that looking down from her heavenly playground, Livvy is incredibly proud of her fantastic Mum x
You are simply amazing. I admire you for so many reasons…too many to list here for sure. Livvy was so blessed to be a part of your love and yes it is so unfair to have to live without her now. I know I never met her but I hope you know that she captured my heart. I fell in love with that little angel. She was the first angel that I loved and had to lose. She is my inspiration and my determination to fight. To fight each day to educate the world about Rett Syndrome and to raise money for research and to find our cure. Thank you for allowing me to love her and to now continue to love you. You are amazing Sara! Sending big hugs to you today from Indiana:)
You have beautiful girls — all of them! I’m sorry for your pain. I’ve never lost a child, but my momma’s heart still hurt for you as I read this post!
You are one brave lady. What beautiful girls, all of them. There are some things this side of heaven we will just never understand. But thank you, Jesus, for heaven.