It has been two years since my daughter died. Two years and yet I have survived, how I don’t know only through God’s grace.
Yet I’m not sure I should have survived. I lost my daughter why when my heart is broken so ragged and torn do I awake each morning. Why haven’t I fell into the pit of despair? Does she question my love for her? I pray not. I love my daughter with every breath that I take; I too am surprised I continue to live.
Two years, 730 days, minutes, hours, seconds. Does the date really matter, I feel like time stopped when my heart broke.
Livvy died two years ago today 7th November 2008 is imprinted in my mind my heart. An anniversary yet it is far from a celebration. To be honest I can’t comprehend how long has passed. It still feels like it was only yesterday. I find it hard to understand how the world just carries on as if nothing has happened.
So much has happened since that day, as a family we have faced so much. We have survived but with scars that will last us a lifetime.
I have changed more than I believed was ever possible, I have found strength I didn’t know existed.
I have memories that at times bring me joy and other times bring me pain. Yet I am so grateful for those times, those special memories we created.
It’s so strange when we meet new people and they ask the question “how many children do you have?” Four beautiful girls their eyes glance at the girls and the confusion crosses their faces.
How do I explain that Livvy is with Jesus, it doesn’t get easier with time, in fact it’s become harder. The shock wears off, the numbness disappears and you are left with the cold hard agony of reality.
I asked Alan “why we carry on?” it’s simple, for Kennedy, Eden and Brodie and for Livvy. Livvy never gave up, she took life and lived it, ever second was a second to be embraced to the full.
My faith has given me strength when I have felt the desire to just give up God talks softly to me, in the quietness of my broken heart. He whispers the words I need to hear, “she is with me, in my arms, and I’m holding her until you can”.
“And the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it”
On Livvy’s gravestone we have the words “May your spirit fly free” in fact the words are now on Granddad’s arm with her name. We know without a doubt that Livvy is free, in our Lord Jesus’ arms. Free from pain, free from disability, free from the evil of Rett syndrome.
I still have a long journey before me, the destination of life. I’m not sure where it will take me but I know I’m not facing it on my own. In my heart I carry my baby with me, her strength, her determination her amazing loving spirit is there inside every vessel of my beating heart.
I hold on tight to my daughter, I close my eyes I can smell her freshly washed hair, I listen closely I can hear her infectious giggle, I am stroking her smooth soft cheek holding her sweet hand in my mine.
Yes it’s been two years but I’m holding on to the promise of eternity.
“That everyone who believes in him may have eternal life”
“Never does a moment pass when I don’t miss you Livvy, until I get to hold you again, I love you”.xxxx