Guilt

It’s that time of week when we join up with the faith jam at Faith Barista. Again Bonnie has set my heart on fire and my fingers pounding on the keyboard. I’m not sure this is exactly what she wished for but the heart is what it is…

Guilt

Guilt and I are best friends, I invite him stay in my heart whenever he feels like it. To torture my soul and to change the way I see myself.

I feel guilty for surviving.

My daughter died and I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t change it. 

I know there were reasons, Rett Syndrome, viruses, medical issues but it doesn’t stop the pain.

I survived when she didn’t. I have carried on without her. I shouldn’t have, why my body didn’t fail when hers did.

My heart broke yet my body carried on, why did it?

I feel the ache in my broken heart, my baby, I watched her being born why did I have to watch her die.

I am her mother I should have been able to do something.

Why wasn’t I strong enough to fight Rett syndrome, fight harder for the cure.

Why, why, why??

You see I have yet to work out how to let my guilt go, how to shake off the feelings that control my heart, my head.

I have found myself on a journey, slowly laying these feelings at the feet of Jesus, I cry into his words, burying them deep in my heart. They bring me peace, I trust in his unconditional love.

Each day is a step forward, some are a step back but when I fall as I often do our Lord is always there to catch me.

I am slowly learning to open my heart about the guilt that consumes me, trust in others to help me work through my pain. It’s a journey without an end in sight but at least I know the destination.

Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted

 

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About sarawith4

I'm a stay at home mom who loves her faith and and family. I am a new christian and still learning about the glory and grace of our Lord. I'm also a grieving mom who has to try each day to smile. Knowing my child is with the Lord brings me comfort but doesn't take away the pain of missing them.
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7 Responses to Guilt

  1. Tia says:

    Oh boy can I identify with all that. And you know what? There are a whole mountain of “If only’s” which pile on my guilt regarding my own daughter’s death. Ultimately, if I hadn’t said she needed to move into her own home and out of mine, she’d quite probably still be around. I spent a long time believing that my decisions, my actions, killed her.

    Three years was a long time to carry that.

    Finally, this summer whilst at a New Wine Conference, I was able to talk to someone who didn’t instantly do the whole “Oh no you’ve nothing to blame yourself for” bit, but instead said “Then you need to forgive yourself”. And that was so freeing. It wasn’t easy. But fighting the guilt with attempts at denying the guilt was destroying me. Of course I wasn’t solely responsible for my daughter’s death. And some of the bits I blame myself for I probably shouldn’t. But rather than feeling guilty and then trying to somehow prove I wasn’t guilty whilst still feeling guilty – that’s a fast road to nowhere. So instead coming back to God and asking Him to forgive me for the ways in which I may have been responsible – and then working on accepting a part in that blame and forgiving myself for it – that has been opening myself up to new waves of Grace and Love and Mercy. And now, when the Enemy whispers “You killed her” I can come back with ” I am forgiven.” Because it isn’t about me, in the end.
    Tia

  2. Praise God for a slow process. Your words – slowly laying, each day one step, slow learning – such a beautiful journey in God’s timing for healing.

    Beautiful! So beautiful!

  3. Sheryl says:

    I’m not sure, but I wonder if an onslaught of the “why’s?” need to be seen as a signal. A signal that we need to more closely examine what’s digging at us. A signal that forgiveness is waiting to be let in. A signal that we need to let the Lord catch us. I wonder.

  4. Melissa says:

    I have nothing to add to this. Only, blessings on you and may God fill you with His peace that passes all understanding. Thank you for sharing so honestly from your heart.

  5. Nothing takes away that pain. I lost a baby, too, and I relate to your feelings. Grace eventually covers the guilt feelings. Praying for you on your journey…

  6. Donna says:

    Praying for your comfort on this journey.

  7. It’s great you’re letting us in on your experience through the jam & directly with those in your life, Sara. God uses others’ love and encouragement to help us let go of guilt. The more we hear it from those we trust, the more we can come to accept it ourselves. May you continue to see and experience freedom!

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