It’s that time of week when we join up with the faith jam at Faith Barista. Again Bonnie has set my heart on fire and my fingers pounding on the keyboard. I’m not sure this is exactly what she wished for but the heart is what it is…
Guilt and I are best friends, I invite him stay in my heart whenever he feels like it. To torture my soul and to change the way I see myself.
I feel guilty for surviving.
My daughter died and I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t change it.
I know there were reasons, Rett Syndrome, viruses, medical issues but it doesn’t stop the pain.
I survived when she didn’t. I have carried on without her. I shouldn’t have, why my body didn’t fail when hers did.
My heart broke yet my body carried on, why did it?
I feel the ache in my broken heart, my baby, I watched her being born why did I have to watch her die.
I am her mother I should have been able to do something.
Why wasn’t I strong enough to fight Rett syndrome, fight harder for the cure.
Why, why, why??
You see I have yet to work out how to let my guilt go, how to shake off the feelings that control my heart, my head.
I have found myself on a journey, slowly laying these feelings at the feet of Jesus, I cry into his words, burying them deep in my heart. They bring me peace, I trust in his unconditional love.
Each day is a step forward, some are a step back but when I fall as I often do our Lord is always there to catch me.
I am slowly learning to open my heart about the guilt that consumes me, trust in others to help me work through my pain. It’s a journey without an end in sight but at least I know the destination.
Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted