I don’t care what people say.

I don’t care what people say it doesn’t get easier. Time doesn’t heal. The pain doesn’t lessen. The only thing that changes is the way you cope with the anguish.

You train your mind to move elsewhere have an arsenal of thoughts, ideas to distract you from the deep burning ache within your soul. The tear across your heart that hurts so bad.

Just tonight I found myself chancing across a photo
I hadn’t seen for a while and my heart broke again into a million pieces.

Its strange that only earlier today i was talking about the need to keep my mind occupied that any down time leaves space for the memories to come flooding in. The fact is I don’t need space, my daughter is in every thought,every breath I take.

In a few hours I will take flowers to her grave. I will stand there feeling empty and broken. The flowers are all that I can do, keeping her resting place pretty. I don’t believe she is there anymore yet I need it to be pretty.

Then on Sunday I will pack for my holiday still feeling the emptiness of her missing. Going through the motions knowing that nothing will ever be complete again. Nothing is how it truly should be.

I don’t live it the past, as I’ve said before that wouldn’t be fair on my other girls. What I will say is I live in the now, in the future aware a piece of me is missing.

Somedays I pretend. I convince myself she is at school. It’s easier when the girls aren’t with me but when we are all together the pretence doesn’t hold.

I sound depressing don’t I. I really don’t mean to. I’m not this way. It’s just those moments when my resolve crumbles and I break. I’m angry at the world and life is pretty dim. I let the tears fall and the grief loose out of soul. Then ten maybe twenty minutes later before the girls see my tears I pull myself together and carry on. What choice do I have really.

I’ve said before I still find it hard to believe that your heart can break but your body carries on. At times against your will.

So this post has been written in one of those broken ten minutes. The tears are falling and my heart is aching. Soon it will be time for me to pull myself together but as the girls are safely tucked away in bed. I may just let myself be for a while. Drop the act, scream at God and just generally grieve for my beautiful daughter Livvy who left to soon.

For those who say time heals that’s the biggest lie. Time just means more time without the one you love.

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About sarawith4

I'm a stay at home mom who loves her faith and and family. I am a new christian and still learning about the glory and grace of our Lord. I'm also a grieving mom who has to try each day to smile. Knowing my child is with the Lord brings me comfort but doesn't take away the pain of missing them.
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3 Responses to I don’t care what people say.

  1. Forgotten says:

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

    I have never understood why people feel the need to hide grief. It is a natural process. I say if you feel the need to cry, then cry. If you want to talk about your daughter, then talk about her. Your other daughters deserve to know that it’s ok to miss their sister. Keeping her memory alive is important.

    On the flip side of this though, if you are feeling this sad all the time, you may want to talk to a professional who can help you find healthy ways to express how much you miss your daughter without tearing your heart out every time she is mentioned.

    I have never lost a child but I have lost a sibling. 10 years out from that loss & I still cry. He & I were very close. It took me a long time to be able to talk about him w/o crying but as I age further from the day we lost him, I think more about how wonderful he was and less about the horror of losing him. I have to in order to maintain my sanity.

    Take the time to miss your precious angel and share that with others but keep in mind what is so wonderful about the moments you’re living that would make it something she would love. Then tell everyone why she would have loved that moment, too. 🙂

    • sarawith4 says:

      We talk about Livvy all the time, we laugh about her imagine how she would react to any given situation. She is far from hidden and I’m sorry if I get that impression. The only grieve I hide is the deep raw anger of my heart. The times i want to
      Scream at the world. They don’t need to see me in constant pain it only adds to theirs. As for proffessional help it’s not needed. I know the stages of grief I know how to face them what I’m saying is that sometimes it’s just not easy.

  2. Oh honey. There’s nothing I could say to lessen the weight of it, but in a very small way I understand a tiny bit. My little brother died, it’s different but it’s something. I’m thinking of you, I’m proud of your keeping going, and you know where I am on email if you ever, ever want to talk.

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