All this week I’ve had a throbbing headache. It’s felt like a storm raging inside my brain. Yet I know the truth behind the pain. It’s fear, grief and anger all fighting an internal battle inside my mind.
Today is Livvy’s 12th birthday and while you will find me talking to her sisters of heavenly birthday parties. Never-ending birthday cake to be shared with loved ones. My heart is so full of pain.
Today I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want survive I just want to fall into a vortex of nothingness free from the pain, free from the memories.
How and why do we have to carry on? It feels like my heart is completely broken yet it still beats.
My faith tells me that eternity awaits me. That I will see Livvy again but today the wait seems to long.
I close my eyes and can see her smile, her amazing blue eyes the blond curly hair as wild as her spirit.
How I wish I could hold her again. How I wish I could hear that giggle.
I look at pictures, watch videos but it’s just not enough. I reach out but all I feel is paper, the screen.
I’m so angry at life, so frustrated with God he has the answers but today I just can’t see them.
Yes Livvy is free from the evil of Rett Syndrome but she is also out of reach of mommy cuddles and nose kisses.
I’m lost today and not sure I want to be found.
The truth is I have to carry on, I have three amazing daughters that need me. They need me to put on the mask of happiness and smile at the memories, laugh with them at the stories.
So today as my daughter is 12 in heaven. I again become the actor in the play we call life. But my heart will never be complete as there is a missing piece waiting for me in eternity.
Happy 12th Birthday my darling Livvy. You are so loved. Never forget that. Xxxxxxxxxxxx