All this week I feel I’ve been on a battle to the depths of hell. The inner demons have been wrestling my soul. Nothing has brought me peace.
I have been evil. I could use the excuse that I’ve been sick with the flu but while this may be one element of the truth the reality is a much bigger picture.
I do not understand the way I have been feeling my mind is like a jigsaw and the answers are in the missing pieces.
My grief is overwhelming yet this is not all the reason for my pain. Sometimes I really just don’t understand this world, don’t understand people.
Any reader of this blog will know my faith is a big part of my life yet even though I love my God, I trust in Jesus, I still feel like a searcher.
Yet searching is exhausting.
I haven’t been to church much since the end of last year and the reality is I don’t know why. The people are lovely the sermons are great yet at times I feel that I am going through the motions. I don’t want that, I want to feel my faith. I want it to touch my inner soul.
The fault lies at my feet yet how do you fix when you don’t know what’s wrong?
Maybe it is just the general chaos of life. Things have been changing our life has changed.
I have read about people losing their faith yet I don’t feel this is what I’m saying. My love for God is as strong.
This is so hard to explain. It’s like I can’t listen to music on low I have to immerse myself in the notes the beats feel the vibration in my heart.
I writing this wondering if I will ever post it. If you are reading this then I guess I have.
I don’t know what the answer is to be honest I haven’t a clue what the question is.
The labyrinth of my life.