Sometimes……

Sometimes ,Enough is enough

Sometimes.,I don’t want to play nice

Sometimes,It hurts

Sometimes,The pain nearly destroys me

Sometimes,I want to give up

Sometimes,I need to fight

Sometimes,I get frustrated that you can’t understand

Sometimes ,I would never wish you this pain

Sometimes ,It feels like a beginning

Sometimes, It feels like the end

Sometimes, It’s the missing

Sometimes, It’s the loss

Sometimes life makes sense

Sometimes, it doesn’t 

Sometimes, I trust 

Sometimes, I lose faith

Always I love you.

Grief is a funny thing and for me it’s been a journey of emotions. Three steps forward five back. 

I go from happy to sad quicker than any sports car. 

People ask what is it that makes me sad? How can you explain it? Unless you are there with me you can’t understand. 

I don’t want people to understand I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.

For me I get the added element of guilt in my grief. My daughter suffered from a devastating condition that caused her daily pain. Yet I wish her back to this life. What kind of mother am I?

I get frustrated with people who see me moving forward doing things, fostering, laughing with my children then say something like “. You’ve done well to get over it”.

What!!! Get over losing my child, be real. You never get over it you learn to hide the pain, to live life the best you can with that broken piece of your heart missing.

I spoke to another bereaved mother and was also reading get words and again was filled with guilt. How could I be grateful that she really understood my pain as understanding means feeling it.

The desire to run away from the world. The overwhelming urge to save our other children from any pain, having they suffered enough already. 

I get frustrated with myself when I can’t be a good friend. Well people turn to me for comfort and I just feel like saying “is that all you’ve got to worry about”. This isn’t who I want to be, yet sometimes people take what they have for granted.

It’s been over two years since Livvy died and some days the pain feels so raw it feels like only yesterday. 

I am moving forward yet i refuse to leave my daughter behind. She is with me in everything I do. 

I am who I am due to my children. I can’t explain, measure my love for them. From the very first moment my daughter was laid in my arms I knew i was meant to be a mother. The greatest job in the world.

I will always be a mom of four daughters.

Sometimes this has to be enough.

Sometimes it’s one day and a time.

Sometimes faith keeps me strong.

Sometimes it doesn’t.

Always I have Hope.

We will be together again.

Advertisements

About sarawith4

I'm a stay at home mom who loves her faith and and family. I am a new christian and still learning about the glory and grace of our Lord. I'm also a grieving mom who has to try each day to smile. Knowing my child is with the Lord brings me comfort but doesn't take away the pain of missing them.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Sometimes……

  1. kingfisher says:

    God treasures you, Sara. “We are gifts of God that he delights in.” (Ephesians ch 1)

    He created you to be you, and I thank God he has allowed you to cling to him in spite of grief. You may not always feel special, but you are! You may not always feel you’ve been dealt a fair deal, but life isn’t fair. However, we have been promised that Jesus will never leave or forsake us. It is our faith that he doesn’t leave us, even when it feels like he has left and forsaken us. The promise is that God keeps our tears in a bottle. (I always say my bottle must be very large! And yours sounds even larger.)

    God bless you today, and every day, Sara with four!

  2. Anna says:

    Sara, you consistently have the ability to reduce me to tears. You’re a mum with a beautiful heart.

  3. Tia says:

    Sara,

    I’m another bereaved Mother. The one thing I think I’ve learnt is that the guilt can be crippling. I refuse to listen to it. How I feel is how I feel; if I want Y back then I want her back. If I’m grateful for speaking to someone who understands, then I’m grateful for the fact that they understand. If I need to spend time sitting under a duvet deliberately revisiting the sadness, then that’s what I need to do.

    I really, truly, honestly, don’t think the guilt comes from God. And if it doesn’t come from God, don’t listen to it! I know that’s so much easier said than done. But it does help me from allowing it to take over from everything else, and it does mean that if I find guilt stealing away the good things then I know I can turn away from it without feeling even more guilty about refusing to feel guilty. That gets tangled – I think, what I mean is, it’s ok to feel guilty – but at the same time, know that you have already been tried and found not guilty.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s