Anticipation

anticipation

My life was strange growing up, at times I didn’t really know what was happening in life so I took to accepting joy and happiness when it came along but I don’t think I ever really expected it to stay or even be.

I’m not after sympathy or to have you believe my childhood was awful it wasn’t but life does get in the way sometimes.

Broken promises, money issues, loss of loved ones they all were part of the tapestry called my life.

I know this has left me with the inability to trust good things will happen. Don’t get me wrong I love life and when good things happen I embrace them open hearted. Yet until the moment they happen my heart is filled with fear that something will go wrong.

My husband goes mad at me, “get excited” he shouts at me, but I just can’t. It’s that little “what if” that echoes in my mind. “I will when it happens” I answer.

He tells me I am missing out on the anticipation of life and I know he is right.

When I was pregnant I really didn’t believe I would be a mom until my daughter was placed in my arms.

When I got married even though I knew my husband loved me I still prepared myself to be stood up at the altar.

If I don’t expect I can’t be disappointed!

 It’s not a great way to live my life.

I pretend for my daughters of course, that I’m excited about holidays, plans we have made. I want them to enjoy the anticipation off life.

I sometimes wonder if it’s too late to change. I pray not.

The strangest thing is I was talking to someone a while ago about my faith. He isn’t sure he believes in God or heaven. He asked me how I would feel if when I died there was nothing. I answered him simply; it wouldn’t matter because I have lived a life full of hope, excitement and anticipation.

So maybe I’m not beyond hope!

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About sarawith4

I'm a stay at home mom who loves her faith and and family. I am a new christian and still learning about the glory and grace of our Lord. I'm also a grieving mom who has to try each day to smile. Knowing my child is with the Lord brings me comfort but doesn't take away the pain of missing them.
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5 Responses to Anticipation

  1. urbanvox says:

    I have the same problem your husband has… 🙂 but I guess you know that already… lol!
    lately I’ve ben having issues with getting excited about things too…
    I’m living for the ones I love… and that seems to be all I can do… If it wasn’t for them I think I’d have given up already… I just hope I don’t fail at that too badly or I’ll simply have nothing to look forward to… and that will be the end of it…

    • sarawith4 says:

      I think living for the ones we love is the perfect way to live. I remember when we nearly lost Livvy the first time it felt like a massive wake up call. The real value in life was their right in front of me, in my children’s faces, my husbands.

      We changed our world right then, gone was the high morgage, 7 day working week. Fun, love and laughter entered into our lives.

      It didnt always go to plan, but i know Alan will tell you the last 3 years he spend at home with Livvy was the most precious, i thank God he allowed us this time.

      Failing isnt an option as parent and as a friend i can truthfully say you are doing a good job, if you werent i would tell you lol xxx

  2. Anna says:

    It’s never too late to change! We need to allow the Holy Spirit to work in our hearts to restore us to being the people God created us to be. Blessings, A

  3. emmascriv says:

    Hi Sara

    This sounds very familiar. Like you, I find it hard to believe that good things will happen – I think of it as a kind of upside down positive thinking, because the outcome will always be better than I anticipate! In reality though, it reflects on what I think of the Lord – that He’s only got so many good things to give out and I don’t want to use them up. I know this is wrong – instead He is overflowing with good gifts for His children. But it takes a while for that to move from head to heart..!

    Emma

  4. Tina says:

    Hugs Sara. To some extent I am with you on the if I don’t build myself up then I don’t have so far to fall.
    But Heaven. Oh yes I live in full hope of all God Promises me there. Not least that He will wipe all the tears from my eyes.
    It’s a sure and certain Hope.

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