My life was strange growing up, at times I didn’t really know what was happening in life so I took to accepting joy and happiness when it came along but I don’t think I ever really expected it to stay or even be.
I’m not after sympathy or to have you believe my childhood was awful it wasn’t but life does get in the way sometimes.
Broken promises, money issues, loss of loved ones they all were part of the tapestry called my life.
I know this has left me with the inability to trust good things will happen. Don’t get me wrong I love life and when good things happen I embrace them open hearted. Yet until the moment they happen my heart is filled with fear that something will go wrong.
My husband goes mad at me, “get excited” he shouts at me, but I just can’t. It’s that little “what if” that echoes in my mind. “I will when it happens” I answer.
He tells me I am missing out on the anticipation of life and I know he is right.
When I was pregnant I really didn’t believe I would be a mom until my daughter was placed in my arms.
When I got married even though I knew my husband loved me I still prepared myself to be stood up at the altar.
If I don’t expect I can’t be disappointed!
It’s not a great way to live my life.
I pretend for my daughters of course, that I’m excited about holidays, plans we have made. I want them to enjoy the anticipation off life.
I sometimes wonder if it’s too late to change. I pray not.
The strangest thing is I was talking to someone a while ago about my faith. He isn’t sure he believes in God or heaven. He asked me how I would feel if when I died there was nothing. I answered him simply; it wouldn’t matter because I have lived a life full of hope, excitement and anticipation.
So maybe I’m not beyond hope!