Well I did it. Just about survived the Christmas and new year period. As I sat here in the silence this morning as the girls were back at school. I felt full of relief.
Not relief because the girls were at school though yes that is nice but relieved because I could stop pretending.
The tears began to fall as I let the false smile fall from my face.
I can’t help it, I miss my daughter so much. Sometimes I can’t breathe as the grief overpowers me. But I know I can not let this be seen by the girls.
No that’s not strictly true, at times it is ok for the girls to see my grief it allows them to show their own. Yet at times of joy and celebration the smile has to be firmly in place.
Christmas is hard but I find new year the worst. It probably sounds insane but each time a new year starts I’m reminded that Livvy will never be part of it. 2008 is where our memories ended feel like I have left her there, I hate this.
Reading up on the stages of grief I feel the information misses so much. It doesn’t explain how you can veer from acceptance to anger to pain in seconds. How one day all is well but the next the pain is so raw you feel like you insides are falling out.
How you can be happy and joyful at the same time as being sad and heartbroken.
I am so blessed and love my life yet at times I can be blinded by grieve to the joy I have around me.
What I have realised this holiday is the need for both. The time to love and laugh but also the time for sadness and tears.
I need those moments when I can cry from the missing. When I can get angry my lost.
Just as I need those times when I fall on the floor in giggles at my daughters antics.
Life is about finding balance. I’ve realised how easy it is to tip the scales both ways.
Today though my balance has been restored.