I love twitter but sometimes I wonder if the limited amount of characters causes some people to shorten what they really wish to say and leaving the end message being interrupted as being hard and cold. Or maybe some subjects’ are just so raw for me that I read people’s intentions wrong.
I think grief has a way of changing you that unless you have walked the pathway you cannot possibly understand. The emotions can range from acceptance, understanding to extreme anger, regrets frustration. This can happen in seconds little things can set you off especially when you are not prepared which for me is always.
I would never wish the loss of a child on anyone, but sometimes I find myself screaming inside. “How would you know” “How could you understand”? I do accept that most of us have suffered the loss of a loved one, parent, sibling, spouse and I would never doubt the pain this causes, I to have experienced this heartache too. Yet I do honestly believe the loss of a child is different. For me the moment I knew I was pregnant my head, my heart was planning. The dreams we have for our children start to form at conception. We plan their births childhood, schooling. We dream of them falling in love, their wedding. We fill our minds with plans for the future. I know I did and after speaking to others I know they did to. Obviously life doesn’t always live up to our dreams but we love them so we overcome and embrace their new ones.
No one really imagines when giving birth that one day you would be planning their child’s funeral. It’s hard, its soul-destroying and heart breaking.
I know without a doubt that I am lucky, I was blessed with nine and a half years with Livvy, others don’t get that but there is never enough time. I am also blessed with my faith. I know without a doubt that I will be reunited, that one day I will have Livvy in my arms and we will have eternity together. This gives me strength like no other.
Grief takes on many forms but for me it’s the missing that is so overwhelming. I miss her contagious giggle, the cute curls of her hair. The way she smiled out of the corner of her mouth when she was thinking of something mischievous to do. I miss her desperately and I won’t apologise for this.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t live life, of course I do. For a start I have three other amazing daughters who need to live their lives to the full. I hold the same dreams for them that I did for Livvy. I want to see them laugh, learn, love. I have imagined their weddings, their children. They hold my heart just as Livvy does. I also know that Livvy is happy and safe in Jesus’ arms my priority now is to keep Kennedy, Eden and Brodie safe and happy the best that I can.
We have had many family chats about the importance of living life, taking each day and living it to the full, creating magical memories. We have also discussed how to remember. The girls want to be reminded of Livvy, to smile at the cheeky things she did. To laugh at times we know she would be up to mischief. We love remembering her; Brodie says it best when she said “Livvy is always with us it would be rude not to talk to her”.
We love celebrating her birthday taking balloons and flowers to her grave, why wouldn’t we? We would bring her gifts if she was here. This weekend we are putting her Christmas tree up at her graveside.
Remembering doesn’t mean wallowing or not moving forward. It’s about keeping, holding Livvy in our hearts in my heart. It’s about involving her in our lives in a happy loving way. We believe in eternal life, so Livvy isn’t gone just out of sight for a while.
I don’t and won’t understand why people tell me it’s time to move forward, to forget. Why would forgetting my beautiful daughter bring me joy?
My daughter, my amazing Livvy will be in heart forever, until we meet again.