Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.
I keep reading this over and over. I want it to inspire me with faith and hope, but as the days turn into weeks I find hope slipping away like water into the soil after the rainfall. Unlike the water which is providing nutrients to the plants my hope is leaving me wanting, waning.
I sometimes find myself on my knees crying with frustration, I pray to God with questions, yet I know I shouldn’t. I know that’s he has plans for me.
“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”
Yet I can’t see those plans cannot feel them in my hands.
I look back at the last two years since Livvy died when I had reached a point when I believed life couldn’t get any worse. Yet I have witnessed more grief more pain. I want to shout to the heavens, why me, why us.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, Because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance.”
How I want to be this brave to see all my troubles as a tests of faith and to be strong enough to face them. Yet here I am weeping into my pillow with frustration. I am not brave. I am scared of the future. I feel lost and worried.
I find strength and gratitude in Grace, that even when I am feeling low and are angry at life I know that
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this is not from yourselves it is the gift of God”
Life isn’t going the way I wish it to, but I have to hold on. I have to wait patiently for the Lord.
It isn’t easy but I do know I’m not on my own.