Beautiful days, warm sun soaked days filled with endless lazy hours. There lies my problem, lazy hours. I’m not good at being lazy. I hate waking up without plans, nothing in the diary.
It’s driving me crazy, people may say I am mad and I should just enjoy the break, but it’s like being on holiday at home. There is only so much you can do to amuse yourself. My home is tidy, washing is done. Shopping fetched.
It’s been a long time since I have felt like this. For the last 14 years my life has been a constant whirlwind being a mom a carer filled my days. Of course I’m still a mom but losing the role of carer has left me empty. No hospital appointments, medicines to arrange, feeds to manage. My girls get up and are off to school, the days are mine. I should be happy; relishing the time I have to myself. Enjoying the slower pace of life.
I hate it, I’m exhausted yet I’m doing so little. I feel like my identity is slowly slipping away from me. There must be a woman underneath the roles I play. Where do I look for her?
I was twenty years old when I became a mom. I have travelled far in my life and changed so much. I’m not sure an ounce of the old me is left to find, the party animal has disappeared. Not sure if she is the person I am searching for anyway.
I don’t want to go back to who I was; I want to find who I am.
I’m sure we all reach this part; we all come to a crossroads in life. We all have choices to make. My mind is filled with endless questions with no answers. I have my map but nowhere to travel to.
I pray for directions.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He
shall direct your paths.
– Proverbs 3:5,6
I need to learn this scripture and hold it to my heart. To trust the endless questions to the one who has all the answers.
To find myself I have to lose myself to my Lord.