Lazy days are driving me mad

Beautiful days, warm sun soaked days filled with endless lazy hours.  There lies my problem, lazy hours. I’m not good at being lazy. I hate waking up without plans, nothing in the diary. 

It’s driving me crazy, people may say I am mad and I should just enjoy the break, but it’s like being on holiday at home. There is only so much you can do to amuse yourself. My home is tidy, washing is done. Shopping fetched.

It’s been a long time since I have felt like this. For the last 14 years my life has been a constant whirlwind being a mom a carer filled my days. Of course I’m still a mom but losing the role of carer has left me empty. No hospital appointments, medicines to arrange, feeds to manage. My girls get up and are off to school, the days are mine.  I should be happy; relishing the time I have to myself. Enjoying the slower pace of life.

I hate it, I’m exhausted yet I’m doing so little. I feel like my identity is slowly slipping away from me. There must be a woman underneath the roles I play. Where do I look for her?

I was twenty years old when I became a mom. I have travelled far in my life and changed so much. I’m not sure an ounce of the old me is left to find, the party animal has disappeared. Not sure if she is the person I am searching for anyway.

I don’t want to go back to who I was; I want to find who I am.

I’m sure we all reach this part; we all come to a crossroads in life. We all have choices to make. My mind is filled with endless questions with no answers. I have my map but nowhere to travel to.

I pray for directions.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
    understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He
    shall direct your paths.
                                                                                 – Proverbs 3:5,6

I need to learn this scripture and hold it to my heart. To trust the endless questions to the one who has all the answers.

To find myself I have to lose myself to my Lord.

Advertisements

About sarawith4

I'm a stay at home mom who loves her faith and and family. I am a new christian and still learning about the glory and grace of our Lord. I'm also a grieving mom who has to try each day to smile. Knowing my child is with the Lord brings me comfort but doesn't take away the pain of missing them.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Lazy days are driving me mad

  1. We are women. In general, we like to do. We like to care for. With such loss and such change, of course you are feeling aimless. But know that God will direct your path! Will continue praying for you, adding direction and clarity to those prayers!

  2. Praying for you, my dear one. And trusting that the same God who carried you through the storms you have faced will now reveal the next steps on your journey. ((hugs)) and lots of love.

  3. Tina says:

    Ooh Sara that’s my verse.
    Are you officially available to foster again? If so have you considered ringing your Social Worker to see if there is a child waiting for you. It is possible they think you need time. F you do that’s fine. But if you are all chomping at the bit then maybe a gentle remnder would set the ball rolling again.
    Love hugs and prayers.
    Tina

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s