Yes it’s true, I’m scared

I don’t understand why I just feel sick to my stomach. It should be a wonderful time a weekend spent with my closest friends. Yet it’s going to be so different to how I imagined it would be.

 Having friends with disabled children is such a blessing. People who really understand what you are going through. How exhausted you can be. Who know medicines better than most doctors. Who can sit chatting about bowel movements over lunch.

What happens though when you have lost your special child. I know my friends and I came together because we had our wonderful children but they aren’t the reason we are friends. It’s the weird sarcastic sense of humour, the faith we  follow. The independence of our spirits that join us.

So why am I scared? To be perfectly honest I am frightened of how jealous I will feel. When I watch my friends hold their children close.

Change their children, feed them, give them their medicines. It’s going to hurt like hell.

I can imagine people saying “hey you have three beautiful girls” and rightly so. My girls are my world but as much as they fill up my life the emptiness of my beautiful angel is still there. I loved caring for my  special child, each day was such a gift. She taught me patience. She taught me compassion and she showed me how to live each moment to the fullest.

It would be so easy to cancel this weekend and stay away from the pain but that wouldn’t be fair to my dear friends or to myself. It also wouldn’t be what Livvy would have wanted. She took everyday as a gift from God and I need to follow her example. Life does get scary at times but if we don’t take the risk we could miss some amazing moments and memories to cherish. 

How I miss that cheeky monkey. May Jesus hold you tight until we are together again x


About sarawith4

I'm a stay at home mom who loves her faith and and family. I am a new christian and still learning about the glory and grace of our Lord. I'm also a grieving mom who has to try each day to smile. Knowing my child is with the Lord brings me comfort but doesn't take away the pain of missing them.
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6 Responses to I’M SCARED

  1. kaira says:

    My heart hurts for you. Praying now you find the strength you need and find yourself having more fun than sorrow.


  2. Hayley says:

    Oh hunni she sounds like such an amazing girl. I cant even begin to imagine how much you miss her and no one is ever going to replace her or change that. She was and is your special girl. No doubt shes looking down on you beaming with pride at what an amazing and strong mother she has. xxxxxxx

  3. Michelle says:

    ((((Sara)))) May you know peace this weekend and feel the loving arms of the Lord around you. You know He is taking care of Livvy for you now and she is happy and fulfilled. One day you will be together again, until then seize the day. Love Mich x

  4. Been praying for you Sara, How has the weekend been? Mich x

  5. Tina says:

    hi Sara hope you had a wonderful weekend. So sorry i have not been in touch, been having tough times and struggling to cope, much love and always in my prayers

  6. So sorry that you have had so much pain, but she sounds like an amazing child who gave you such happiness I know she’s still in your heart. Big hugs and take care, i’m no expert, but I’d say if feeling a little understandable jelousy is all the bad feeling you have then you are a very amazing woman, hugs xxxxx

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