Yes it’s true, I’m scared
I don’t understand why I just feel sick to my stomach. It should be a wonderful time a weekend spent with my closest friends. Yet it’s going to be so different to how I imagined it would be.
Having friends with disabled children is such a blessing. People who really understand what you are going through. How exhausted you can be. Who know medicines better than most doctors. Who can sit chatting about bowel movements over lunch.
What happens though when you have lost your special child. I know my friends and I came together because we had our wonderful children but they aren’t the reason we are friends. It’s the weird sarcastic sense of humour, the faith we follow. The independence of our spirits that join us.
So why am I scared? To be perfectly honest I am frightened of how jealous I will feel. When I watch my friends hold their children close.
Change their children, feed them, give them their medicines. It’s going to hurt like hell.
I can imagine people saying “hey you have three beautiful girls” and rightly so. My girls are my world but as much as they fill up my life the emptiness of my beautiful angel is still there. I loved caring for my special child, each day was such a gift. She taught me patience. She taught me compassion and she showed me how to live each moment to the fullest.
It would be so easy to cancel this weekend and stay away from the pain but that wouldn’t be fair to my dear friends or to myself. It also wouldn’t be what Livvy would have wanted. She took everyday as a gift from God and I need to follow her example. Life does get scary at times but if we don’t take the risk we could miss some amazing moments and memories to cherish.
How I miss that cheeky monkey. May Jesus hold you tight until we are together again x