Maybe I’m a terrible person feeling this way, but as a new Christian I feel I am daily failing my God when I let my faith be tested and let doubt enter my mind.
The comments on my last post showed me that we all have times of struggle. When our faith is tested. So I am being perfectly honest when I say “What a relief”. I cannot thank my friends ( I hope that I am not making presumptions) for the comments they left on my post. Their honesty filled me with hope and assurance.
I was praying earlier today about this and came to realise that most of the time its our faith in ourselves that gets tested. I know of many occasions when I have felt like I am letting God down, not that he has let me down.
As I spend my time praying I was reminded of Peter who denied Jesus three times, yet when Jesus stood on the shore Peter swam to meet him. Although he knew he had let Jesus down he had complete trust, complete faith in Jesus’s forgiveness.
“When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he tied his outer garment around him and plunged into the sea”.
He knew with all his heart that Jesus loved him.
It is a peaceful feeling that surrounds me today. I feel I have been too hard on myself. Lets face it the last few years have been like a living nightmare. I have suffered the lost of two of my beautiful children. I use the word loss but I know with all my heart that they are in heaven with our eternal father. So I guess they are not loss to me, just out of reach for a while. I know we will meet again.
While the years have been hard I can look back in hindsight to some of the amazing things that have enriched my life too. I have been able to live my dream of fostering children with special needs, though this has not being a easy journey it has filled my heart with joy as well as the sorrow and I am sure in will continue to do so.
My faith has been restored and I have returned my heart to Jesus. I also believe that all the trauma has made me stronger and this has given me a conviction to my faith that I may not have experienced if my life hadn’t gone this way. I guess this is what they mean when they write Beauty from the Ashes.
The peace I find is simply in the knowledge that yes life may be hard and at times in may feel unbearable, but I am never on my own. My faith is my blessing.
“Everything is possible to the one who believes” Mk 9:23