Blessed are those who endure when they are tested. When they pass the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love.” James 1.12
So life is a test! This I can understand but sometimes accepting it isn’t so easy. The question WHY raises its head too many times. Trusting in God is easy, understanding why isn’t. Well not for me anyway. The pain of my loss is just too raw.
Like most parents who have lost a child I question why them, not me? It’s not that I wish to die though I would rather have it been me any day that’s a fact.
I know that God loves us all and that when I weep he weeps with me but sometimes my tears blind me to this.
Losing my child was a gigantic test of my faith. Living my life without her seems sometimes out of reach. Endurance is something that I have to find each and every day. I know there is a plan for my life. Maybe that’s why I am struggling as I have no idea what the plan is.
As a child I felt like I had no control over my life and I know this is the reason I became the way I was, over obsessed by planning and organisation. I have learned to let go a little but at this exact moment in time that fear of being out of control is so overwhelming.
I need to stay strong in my faith and my trust of God. As a new Christian I am trying but I have moments of doubt. I have people around me who challenge me “If there is a God, why do these terrible things happen”? Or “you must be evil for God to punish you so”. I know this is what the enemy wishes me to believe. Sometimes it’s hard not to, especially as I do wonder if I have been evil. I know I fall far from perfection.
Some days it would be easier to feel this way it would be easier to hate than to hope. I refuse to do this. I have faith and trust. I guess the perfect quote for me today is from Mother Teresa
“I know God will not give me anything that I cannot handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much”